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Quickies 16 February 2018

UK QUICKIES

JOHNSON… In a big speech, Boris Johnson has tried to reassure voters alienated by Brexit that the UK's split from the EU is a cause for "hope not fear"…

 

(** He says we should be fearless… which we would be, if we could be sure he wasn’t hopeless **)

 

BRIDGES… Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson has used a speech to try to build bridges with those who voted to remain in the EU…

 

(** Well, anything’s better than him travelling across to them on a zip wire **)

 

PETS… Labour says it wants to strengthen the rights of tenants to keep a pet in their properties as part of a package of proposed animal welfare measures….

 

(** The problem is that a lot of innocent, harmless-looking looking furry creatures can be very destructive if left unsupervised…  like Labrador puppies or Jeremy Corbyn **)

 

OXFAM… Many major firms are reviewing their relationship with Oxfam, with Visa and Marks and Spencer issuing condemnatory statements after the recent scandal…

 

(** I won’t be seen dead in an Oxfam shop now… though once I have died you may see my clothes in one **)

 

IRELAND… DUP leader Arlene Foster has said there's no current prospect of a deal to restore power-sharing in Northern Ireland…

 

(** Apparently, she’s too busy sharing power with Theresa May in Westminster **)

 

BUYERS... According to new figures the number of first time house buyers is at an 11 year high...

 

(** Now the bad news - Thanks to rising interest rates they'll be first time defaulters in 12 months time **)

 

BABY BOOM… New NHS figures have confirmed that there tends to be a baby boom nine months after Valentine's Day…

 

(** Well, you’ve got to do something with your partner when you find all the restaurants are booked up, I suppose **)

 

TEACHING PRIZE… A teacher from a north London Secondary school has been named as a top-10 finalist for a global teaching award with a million dollar prize…

 

(** Apparently she’s achieved something in the last 12 months that very few teachers thought possible – She didn’t resign… **)

 

EXAM… Poundland bosses have slammed a top teacher who's described the new GCSE Grade 4 as 'a Poundland pass'…

 

(** That’s absolutely not true… coz you’ll need an average of 2 GCSE Grade 4’s if you want to work there **)

 

TABLES… Thousands of eight and nine-year-olds in England's primary schools are to take a new ‘times-tables’ test this spring as part of an educational trial…

 

(** It’s mainly for those kids who are now so obese that their fingers are too fate for the buttons on their calculator **)

 

(** If you don’t want your child to learn them, in an ironic twist you can tell the teachers to go forth and multiply **)

 

SEX SURVEY… According to a new survey, 52% of British over-65s feel they don’t have enough sex…

 

(** To be fair, all they want to do is keep warm in bed without the cost of putting the electric blanket on **)

 

KEBAB… The finalists for the coveted title of Britain's Best Kebab shop have been named…

 

(** The winner gets a beautiful porcelain bowl… presumably with a drunken porcelain bloke leaning over it chucking up his donner **)

 

 

 

 

WORLD QUICKIES

ARMS… A former Canadian prime minister has said that female TV newscasters who show bare arms "undermine their credibility and gravitas"…

 

(** TV newscasters should exhibit anything bare… except at Fox News, where they specialise in bare-faced lies **)

 

CHESS… The World Chess Federation says its Swiss bank accounts have been closed after its president was accused of facilitating transactions on behalf of the Syrian government…

 

(** I love the way they told him – They said “You can’t sign a cheque, mate” **)

 

PACKAGING… New research has found that chemicals found in fast food packaging could cause weight gain by slowing your metabolism…

 

(** I'm no expert, but surely the fast food inside the packaging might have something to do with it? **)

 

 

 

ENTERTAINMENT QUICKIES

DRIVER… Actress Minnie Driver has stood down from her role as a celebrity ambassador for Oxfam in the wake of the scandal engulfing them…

 

(** She’d rather stay in the wholesome environment of the Hollywood film industry where sexual exploitation never happens **)

 

BRITS... It's been revealed that every star attending next week's Brit Awards will be given a white rose pin in support of the #TimesUp campaign.

 

(** That'll be interesting giving them all a pin - I bet half the rock stars there will try to find a vein with it **)

 

TV FOOTBALL… Sky and BT Sport have agreed to pay a staggering 4.46 billion pounds to broadcast Premier League football games for three seasons from 2019-20…

 

(** Now the bad news – You’ll have to be on a premiership player’s salary to afford their new subscription **)

 

BEATLES… The 50th anniversary of The Beatles' historic trip to India is being marked by an exhibition in Liverpool…

 

(** India is where they found peace and harmony… just a couple of years before they all started falling out and suing each other **)

 

UPTON… US superstar model Kate Upton has described the moment she was knocked off a rock by a large wave during a topless photo shoot…

 

(** I’ve seen pictures of her – I’m guessing she didn’t need any buoyancy aids throwing at her **)

 

(** Nice to know she can get affected by wet patches as well as causing them **)

 

DALEY… British Olympic diver Tom Daley has announced he is having a baby with his husband, US film director Dustin Lance Black….

 

(** Not sure how it’ll be delivered – But it’s odds on he’ll be going for the birthing pool **)

 

ORA… Rita Ora is set to join the cast of the live-action Pokemon movie 'Detective Pikachu', alongside Ryan Reynolds…

 

(** After her nearly nude snap earlier this week she won’t be Detective Pikachu – She’ll be the character “Take-a-pikachu” **)

 

KARDASHIAN… Kim Kardashian has been accused of neglecting her parenting duties in favour of stripping off online…

 

(** Yes – Rather than getting her boobs out for the public, she should be getting them out in public **)

 

ANT & DEC… ITV has revealed its plans to scrap the duo "Little Ant & Dec" from Saturday Night Takeaway…

 

(** I’m guessing little Ant is a lot more depressed than little Dec about it **)

 

DENCH… It's been confirmed that legendary actress Dame Judi Dench will have a horse racing in the Grand National this year…

 

(** Actors and Grand National horses are famously linked, coz Oliver Reed was a massive fan of Red Rum… well he was pretty partial to white rum as well, to be honest **)

 

BURRELL… I'm a Celebrity legends Paul Burrell and Vicky Pattison have returned to the jungle for the Australian version of the show which is being filmed in South Africa…

 

(** South Africa’s been hot by a drought recently – They must be hoping Paul Burrell’s constant tears will alleviate it **)

 

GALLAGHER… Noel Gallagher has slammed his sons, Sonny and Donovan, for being big fans of the UK grime scene…

 

(** They’re really into Big Narstie… which was even worse for Noel coz he thought that meant his brother **)

 

METALLICA… Heavy metal pioneers Metallica are to be honoured with Sweden's Polar Prize, one of the most prestigious awards in music…

 

(** They’re said to be delighted…unlike the winners of the Bi-Polar prize, who are incredibly angry as well **)

 

STRICTLY… Axed Strictly dancer Brendan Cole has appeared to confirm that AJ Pritchard and Mollie King had a romance while appearing on the show…

 

(** worrying news for her, coz he looked so young that I think having a relationship with him would be illegal **)

 

LOVE ISLAND… Love Island stars Chris Hughes and Olivia Attwood have reportedly ended their seven-month relationship days before the start of their reality TV show…

 

(**  I thought they’d be together forever… But I was wrong, coz “Forever” in terms of a Reality Show Relationship equals 8 months, not 7… **)